I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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