Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your penis caused this!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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