i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
