Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just found puke in my bra..
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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