Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
