my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
True strength comes from lack of pants
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
