there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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