After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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