Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
