I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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