It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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