we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
no. you can't hotbox the world.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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