Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
