Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
