just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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