The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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