i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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