the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
