Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
