i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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