i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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