rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
