Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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