If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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