TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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