it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
