so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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