I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
