I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I came so hard my ears popped.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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