Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
