im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
