You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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