Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
