Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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