Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
