I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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