A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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