Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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