Jerry, you need to find god
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
