I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
