hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
