Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
