I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
