Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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