he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize