wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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