His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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