5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
