soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
