i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
