I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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