Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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