So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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