My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize