I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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