you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
