The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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