I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
