He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
