Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm jealous of your bromance
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
