So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
