My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
