Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
