No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
