I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
