The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
